Thanks, but....

I received two sets of “Thank you’s” from parents on one day a while ago. That’s a rare thing in the world of coaching senior swimmers.

One of the “thank you’s” was about the care and concern I showed for her child and my continuing efforts to provide a good environment not just for her child, but for all the senior swimmers. Wow, that was deeply appreciated and it immediately elevated me a bit.

A short while later I received another “Thank you” of a different type, but this one left me feeling uncomfortable. This “Thank you” was for the very nice performance his child had at the previous weekend’s meet. I was gracious and thanked him but I left many words unsaid.

To thank me for the excellent performance of their child implies that I had something to do with that performance. I am not comfortable being responsible for an athlete’s excellent performance. If I accept thanks for a good performance must I then take the grief for a bad performance?

Where is the line of separation in responsibility for a good or bad performance? I see a senior swimmer perhaps as much as 4 hours a day between morning workout, afternoon dryland, and afternoon workout. That leaves 20 other hours a day for the athlete to get behind in their school work, not get enough sleep, not eat right, and throw themselves into all sorts of dramas and high stress situations. And during the 4 hours I am with them, can I make them have perfect starts, strokes, turns, and finishes? No. Can I make them work beyond their perceived ability? No. Every swimmer is responsible for their work ethic. Every swimmer is responsible for becoming a craftsman of their technique. I can stand on the blocks and instruct them to streamline, kick7 dolphin kicks and go 10 meters off of the wall on every freestyle turn… but I cannot make them do that. It is when they chose to do so that they take advantage of the environment I establish.

My job is creating the right environment. Thank me for that. I’ll appreciate it.

…but don’t thank me for an excellent performance by your child, and don’t look to me to be accountable for a lousy performance. Check out those other 20 hours first and then stop by at workout to further determine if your child is taking ownership of their workout performance.

The proper positive relationship between athlete and coach is one where the coach provides the right environment which includes positive feedback when warranted, critical feedback when warranted, instruction when needed, encouragement when needed, challenges, and a level of adversity nearly all the time. The athletes apply themselves and take ownership of their progress.

What’s a parent to do? Ask your child if they are taking ownership of their performance and if they don’t know what that means – help them understand it. Reinforcement from home is one of the best ways to help your child.

The First Ingredient in Success...Learning to Deal with Failure

The First Ingredient in Success….Learning to Deal with Failure.

From News for Swim Parents

Published by The American Swimming Coaches Association

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In the New York Times Magazine of October 2, is an article by Paul Tough (yep, real name) called “The Character Test.” It’s about Riverdale Country School, one of the elite private schools of NYC. The article deals in depth with the failure of great grades and great test scores to accurately predict success in highly competitive college environments, even for the “very best” of the elite private school graduates.

The Headmaster has concluded that the missing piece is….. character. He said:

“Whether it’s the pioneer in the Conestoga wagon or someone coming here in the 1920’s from southern Italy, there was this idea in America, that if you worked hard and you showed real grit, you would be successful. Strangely, we’ve now forgotten that.”

“People who have an easy time of it, who get 800’s on their SAT’s, I worry that these people get feedback that everything they are doing is great. I worry about that. I think we are actually setting them up for long term failure. When that person has to face up to a difficult moment, then I think they are screwed, to be honest. I don’t think we’ve given them the opportunities to grow the capacity to be able to handle that.”

A review of those who DID succeed in competitive colleges showed a real prevalence of skills in specific areas: optimism, persistence and social intelligence. They were the ones who were able to recover from a bad grade and resolve to study and do better next time. They were the ones who could bounce back from a fight with their parents, recognize the nature of family (and friends) and re-secure those relationships into balance, and those would could resist the urge to go to the movies with friends and stay home and study instead. They were the kids who could persuade teachers to give them help after class.

“Our kids don’t put up with a lot of suffering,” says a Riverdale teacher, “and when they do get uncomfortable, we tend to hear from their parents. The parents miss the point that being uncomfortable is what helps the child grow.”

Since swimming is simply a part of life education, the parallels are obvious. No matter what part of life is involved, the ability to deal effectively with failure and use the lessons provided to move you closer to success is clear. Parents who spend time “protecting” their children, do them a disservice, and actually disrespect the child who is always stronger and more capable than we, as parents, think.

Everything we do for our children that they can do for themselves, makes them weaker, not stronger. Seek adversity for your child. Allow them the honor of struggling. It’s what made you successful. If you remove the struggle, you remove their opportunities to get stronger in life.